I graduate in less than a month

I can't say that this semester has been easy. I think I probably lost my mind more than once, and I apologize to all of those witnessing it, but I am thankful for you as well :) I don't know how I've made it this far--I've been way too much of a "Yes" man recently, and my plate is overflowing, but somehow I am making it through and happily creating some type of art. My last comedy show (in Gainesville) is coming up soon and I am both terrified and extremely excited. I have had writers block (that's a nicer way of saying trust issues with my creativity) for at least 6 months and consistently convinced myself that I couldn't write anything. You know, that "every idea is shit," phase. I guess I have a habit of putting myself down, however, I have busted out a few ideas/pieces that I am pretty happy with. I think it will be bittersweet to end my final semester with my best friends attempting to make people laugh. When I think back to our first show--it was a disaster behind the scenes. We were editing last minute. I didn't know what I was doing, (Do I even know now?) we never ran the show until opening night, and I swore that I would never do it again because I shaved about 6 years off my life from stress. Four shows later, we are still going strong. I'm starting to think that whatever you enjoy doing the most in life, as much as it might stress you out, and as much as you might beat yourself up over it, it's probably worth doing. Comedy has always been that thing for me. It's what keeps me going, and is probably what keeps me alive. 

I'm 24 and still a little girl

I thought it would get easier telling people you liked them as you get older--but it's quite the opposite. When you are younger you display affection by pushing boys off of swings, or yelling "I LOVE YOU," and running away. It used to be so simple! The biggest commitment you wanted was a valentine card, or getting chased occasionally on the playground. And then as you get older the fear of rejection lingers. I'm thinking to myself I'm 24 years old, and I feel like if I tell this person how I feel, the world will end. Right here and now. You know how in the old Zelda games, fire consumes the planet? Yeah? That's how I feel in this moment--I WOULD RATHER get engulfed in flames than talk about this. 

Oh god, oh god, oh god. Can I be 5 again? But I can't be five again. Is it weird that I'm listening to Chet Baker right now? Dramatic. Hey--I have to make myself laugh while I'm being a baby. Right?  

And isn't attraction odd? For me  humor just does it--if you make me laugh, I'm sold. I think it's one of the most important qualities in a person. It makes me feel like I've met one of several comedy soul mates--but sometimes they don't want to join you for the ride. It's like you're laughing at two different jokes, and when you realize it, it's awkward. 

Why do people have to date anyway? Couldn't we just live in world where everyone is in the friend-zone ? No one would be disappointed then. We would just nod at each other and say "Oh well." Actually--maybe everyone would jut be extremely sexually frustrated--you know scratch that--that kind of shit leads to war. 

Well the good news is---I'm not 5 again like I wished, that would be exhausting--I don't want to relive the last 19 years, and the world didn't engulf in flames. There's always something to be happy about. Sometimes you have to experience the fall. 

Who creates the rules on test taking? Why do we only have an hour to showcase what we have learned over a six week period. How does that make sense? I worked my ass off all weekend for my exam tonight--and I barely pulled through. Sigh. It's one of those "I feel like I'm never going to graduate and should find the nearest bridge" moments. Could my semester get any more stressful? Still broke. Still no financial aid. Broken phone. Ridiculous amounts of tension. Yikes.  

2014

Oh hey blog it's been awhile. So I am actually really excited for the new year. This year I am graduating, might be working in France for a month teaching kids, hopefully returning to Denmark for some pre-chicago inspiration, MOVING TO CHICAGO to pursue comedy--my childhood dream and love, putting on the final Funny Woman Show back at the Brew Spot, and of course getting rock hard abs like everyone and their mothers. But really--I do have some very realistic goals for the new year and I know that they will come true--and hey if they don't, at least I worked my ass off. 

Health Goals

* Commit more to the primal/paleo lifestyle--changing my diet has really changed my life this year and I would like to fully transition and commit 100%.
* Walk More
* Yoga More 
* Be happy

Educational Goals 

* Go to class. Everyday. Read. Finish assignments early. GRADUATE

Chicago Goals 

*Move to Chicago 

*Volunteer at Second City 

*Audition for the Second City Conservatory Program 

*Perform some open mic improv shows

*Try stand-up 

*Find a job or a sugar daddy to support me

*Find a safe and convenient place to live

I can't wait for the semester to begin. Two days left! I'm excited to improvise again and begin rehearsals for Angels in America! This semester is going to fly.

I can appreciate a man that goes out of his way to jazz up his online dating profile. I mean don't get me wrong, anything is better than the "hey girl look how big dis fish I caught is ; ) ;) ;)" picture, but sometimes guys can seem too perfect.  Any guy that has a picture cuddling a baby tiger and/or petting
horses is a winner. He might as well have a picture feeding the hungry, or putting out a fire with a garden hose with a caption of "He does what he can," or stopping someone from tripping the Pope. Dear Guy, do you exist? I'm just going to go back to waiting for my hot Chicago improviser boyfriend**


*accepting applications 
*side note: anchorman 2 was fantastic.

Seminar

What I had to say to you, moreover, would not take long, to wit: Practice any art, music, singing, dancing, acting, drawing, painting, sculpting, poetry, fiction, essays, reportage, no matter how well or badly, not to get money and fame, but to experience BECOMING, to find out what’s inside you, to MAKE YOUR SOUL GROW.

-Kurt vonnegut

You know--one amazingly terrifying realization I have made from working on Seminar is how much of a scaredy cat I can be. I am terrified 90% of the time of sharing certain ideas, sketch work, new songs--pretty much anything personal that I keep close to my heart. I ADMITTED IT OK?  And why? Why is it human instinct to hold onto our creations until our fingerprints are burned there, and then let days--weeks--months--years go by before showing them to anyone. If we even man up to do so. It doesn't make sense. This is the time to be failing, and it's only then that we learn and better prepare ourselves for all types of criticism. Putting yourself out there is nerve wracking, but it's also the right thing to do, especially in a University setting where people care about you, or at least are great pretenders.

My show opens on Friday, and I'm still trying to figure out where the last four and a half weeks went. I am really excited. I couldn't be more happy with my cast--they are all really wonderful people, great players, and have a group dynamic that I think is difficult to find. Maybe I'm just being biased, or stroking my ego boner right now--but really. I have never once stopped believing in them or their work. Even when lines are forgotten, and moments are lost, and no one is listening--it's part of the process, and it amazes me every time what being present and just listening to words does.

The show questions what is at the core of the creator. What keeps an artist passionate, and when shit couldn't possibly get any worse, how do force yourself to keep going rather than give up. It's a place we have all fallen into, or are currently trapped in--and I think everyone can relate to the struggles of an artist.

It's kind of a perfect idea to explore right before graduating, because soon enough I'm not going to have quiet as large of a support system I sometimes forget that I have right now. We have access to so many wonderful resources whether a professors opinion, a free rehearsal space, thousands of books and free articles, access to people that will work on projects for free, computer labs, filming equipment, etc.

A few years/months/days ago I was complaining about what I have not learned at this University, and what I feel that I have missed out on, but honestly? You have to create your own work. You have to read books. You have to admit that you do not know everything, you will never know everything and sometimes you just need some god damn help. So ask for it. It won't kill you. Sometimes you have put down your cell phone and BE with people. Sometimes you have to be that person in class that raises their hand, while everyone else is too afraid to. Sometimes you need to scream at the top of your lungs and get all the negativity out. Sometimes you have to LISTEN to people. FEEL for people.

Just. Be. Present.

It's one of the most beautiful things you can do.

What my vending machine would look like

Vending machines piss me off--and I would like to redesign them. I wrote an email to someone at work a few weeks ago, providing several options that we could replace the un-purchased candy with in our department. Here is what I came up with.

Kind Bars

These are freaking delicious, and I love that their motto is "ingredients you can pronounce." You should know what you are putting into your body. I love these because most of them are 99% Paleo and they don't destroy my stomach or hurt my teeth like the fake sugary chemical ones do. 

Roasted Seaweed

Okay, so once you get over that seaweed looks like thin pieces of paper--these aren't bad. The only downside is that there is no pretty way to eat them. Trust me, I have tried. I prefer fresh seaweed salad, but this is cheaper and will do. The only ingredients are seaweed and salt. Win. 

Unsalted Almonds

Almonds are naturally sweet and are full of wonderful antioxidants that show love to your heart and cholesterol  I prefer almonds over those mixed nut packs that often contain candy, extra sugar and MSG. Just be simple. Okay?

Veggie Chips 

Vegetable chips! These are great, TraderJoes has a brand "Vegetable Root Chips," and Terra makes them as well. No chemicals. Gluten free. Tasty. No grease. Yum

Instant Soup

Dr. McDouglas soup is a much better alternative to Ramen noodles. These are a little more expensive than the $0.17 you are used to, but they are better for the body and there are gluten free and paleo options. Ramen is also high in fat,  packed with crazy amounts of sodium, as well as MSG. It's also pretty sad when you check out the nutritional information--first of all who eats half a pack of Ramen? No one. Well, a pack is 380 calories and 126 of those are from fat and white flour. Yay America.  

Apple Chips 

I'm all about these right now. These are a perfect fall snack, and a really great option for kids. You can even make them at home in yo' oven. Here's a recipe, she adds sugar and cinnamon, but you can do what you want.   Listed ingredients: apples. Keep it simple! 

Peter Rabbit Fruit Drink

Let's all be 5 again, but this time grab a healthy version of Capri Sun. This is a great grab and go drink, and helps knock out lurking hunger strikes. And the packaging is cute. Be a cool kid again. 

Dark Chocolate

If I were to add one sweet, it would be pure dark chocolate. First of all, it's hard to eat an entire bar of dark chocolate in  one sitting (and that isn't the point right?) it can be saved and enjoyed. 

I have a few more options bouncing around in my mind, but for now, these were the best. Maybe I have inspired you, maybe not--but do you really need those cheetos? I mean damn. 

Just take another look at this. Ew.