The day I discovered I didn't want to act, in the traditional sense--Also, turning 25 is F'ing weird.

"I'll audition for some shows eventually"

"Yeah? Do you want to though?" - A Professor.

Oh Shit. Do I? Do I?

DO I?

I've always liked straight plays, but I don't think I have ever actually 100% had the desire to pursue acting in them as a career.

That was nice to say.

I have convinced myself that it's something I need to do. In the back of my mind, not doing it, made me feel like I was letting people down--that this was some sort of path I needed to follow--that I failed otherwise--that I somehow had given up. Maybe that thought comes from studying theater, or having all of my friends into it, I'm not sure--but I'm glad I am starting to figure this out now.

I know how I feel about comedy, and it is not what I feel for straight plays. 

I love theater, I respect theater, I have had fun performing, but ultimately it is not what I really love or want to do..

I love comedy. I love sketch. I love improvisation. 

All three of them terrify the shit about of me, and can be crippling, but ultimately it is what I came here for. I have had a desire to move to Chicago for three years. I took my first improv class in college and was pretty terrified. I couldn't stay still on stage. I didn't listen. I had no idea what was going on.  I sat in the back of the class trying to go unnoticed. But I kept showing up as difficult as it was. 

I had a friend say to me "Maybe you just like watching it, and aren't meant to do it"

Then I said. Fuck that, and reflected on my life. I was super outgoing and social all throughout middle school and high school. I grew up watching Conan, and comedy central, and loved performing and being goofy with my friends and family. Then I got to college and was not myself for a year or two. I was a sad, crippled, mousy version of myself constantly being manipulated--looking for validation from other people because I never got it at home. 

I think, for a very long long time I have had blinders on. It's been very difficult to accept or believe nice things people have told me about myself, or my work. It's difficult to recognize my progress whether that be with my comedy show, or health and fitness--I know I have improved but I have such an emotional block that I can't feel it, or step away from it and say "holy shit look how far I've come." I have trouble accepting compliments from people because I don't see these things in myself. 

It's such a difficult way to live. Beating yourself up, hating yourself, not feeling worthy. It's awful, and it sucks, and I know it's irrational, but it's where I'm at right now, and it isn't easy to shake off. 

I am thankful though, and I'm glad I am beginning to realize that this is what I really want to do. I do want to be on a stage, just one where everything is made up. And...there is nothing wrong with that.

I moved here a month after graduation, and am taking three classes, tons of workshops, interning at a theater, am on a team, and I'm performing. I'm constantly listening to podcasts, inspiring stories of people I look up to, and reading--a lot--probably more than I ever did in college. I'm studying my craft. 

This is what I want to do, and I'm doing it.

I need to let go, and realize that I am doing the right thing. More than anything I need to work on my attitude about myself in order to fly. I know this, and now just need to start implementing positivity into my life and realize that my thoughts and opinions are valid and matter. 

I constantly talk about how conflicted I am, but I really think, deep down, I've felt that my opinions don't matter, or won't be accepted. Probably a huge side effect of being manipulated for so long. 

Kathy Sarra--an amazing professor I had in college told me that deep down we all know what we need to do, we just need to listen to our bodies and act on our impulses without judgement. 

I'm going to start standing up for myself--saying when something is wrong--and not feeling bad for how I feel. Most importantly, I'm getting help, and excited to shake this shit off. 

A wonderful improv teacher I had last year said that we should play the scenes we want to play not the ones we feel like we need to play, now it's time to live the life I want to live and not the life I think I need to live. 

Brutal Honesty during Improv: My dad

When you have a rocky relationship with your mom, it's really really easy to wish you had a dad.

I'm not sure if I've written about this, but after a brutally honest Improv class tonight, (which was fucking amazing and life changing by the way) it inspired me to write. I guess I'm kinda-sorta starting to realize that I'm interesting.

I'm interesting.

Something I've never thought, or said out loud, but I need to start believing it, and being confident in that statement. We are all interesting, and as Jason Shotts said tonight "you are enough, know that you are enough."

The first time I left the country seems like a freak accident. If I didn't have touristy proof that I went abroad, I wouldn't believe it.

In 2010 I was dating this guy and things went to shit. While I was hating myself and too young to realize that I didn't need another person to be happy, I got a letter in the mail. A letter from my dad's mother. I hadn't seen her since I was ten, and we hadn't spoken since. She SOMEHOW got my address. The letter said that she was hoping it was in fact my address and that she hoped to hear from me. I immediately responded and received a letter about a week later. I had mentioned that I had never been out of the country and would love to travel but never had the funds. She responding saying if I could make the dates work she would pay for everything.

At this point I thought I was being punked.

I got a new passport and a Russian visa, and counted down the days. My asshole ex boyfriend ( who happened to be a magician, and wasn't actually an asshole, but he did find a new girlfriend pretty quickly so I'm allowing the name calling this time) issues seemed so small now. I was going to Europe! Fuck yeah!

I mentioned that I heard St. Petersburg was beautiful in the summer and would love to go. My grandmother mentioned that it wasn't exactly in the itinerary but she would see if we could work it in.

The first couple of days I stayed in a fancy hotel. A double king bed all to myself, amazing view, I had never had this kind of luxury before. The world outside of my hotel was frightening. I didn't know the language, Russians CANNOT DRIVE..FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TRAFFIC LANES DO NOT EXIST, and I was spending two weeks in this place.

I met my great grandmother the night I got in, she was 97, and I heard that she was my father's favorite person in the world. She knew not a word of English, but my grandmother translated and told me that she was happy to meet me before she died, and that my father would of loved me very much.

My grandmother then told me that she was able to find the contact information of a friend of my father's in St. Petersburg and arranged for us to meet for a few days. I was to take a four hour train ride alone to meet this man I had never even heard of or seen a picture of. I was terrified. My grandmother handed me a piece of paper with my name written on it in Russian for him to identify me with.

I sat on the train next to four lovely people from Helsinki. We talked about culture, food, politics, perspective....we were almost to our destination when I told them I was terrified and they offered to help me find this mystery man. We got off the train and my eyes anxiously wandered. Then, this man approached me and said "are you Sacha?" I didn't even have my sign. He told me I looked just like my father "it's like looking at a ghost from the past"

Did I mention he was wearing a Helsinki shirt?

I was in Russia with a man I barely knew and yet it felt right, it didn't feel foreign. A rush of comfort came over me. I felt like we had been great friends for many years, my dad had good taste. We drank and drank, and hit up all the non touristy spots, including an amazing doughnut shop with cardboard napkins, shitty ten cent coffee and swastikas carved into the walls.

The next night he showed me a DVD that he said no one else in the world had a copy of. It was about an hour of footage of my father and his friends. There was heavy drug use, footage of my dad playing and singing strange music, tons of his artwork. I'm not sure I took a breath the first time I saw my dad on screen. I was waiting and waiting for him to appear. When he did, I wanted to cry. I wanted so badly for him to be real, to be in my life, in this moment and always. I used to think my mom was lying when she told me he was dead. I never believed her until I had a copy of the death records. He passed from carbon monoxide poisoning that leaked through shower pipes. I mean what the fuck.

There was a point in the video where my dad spoke into the camera. Behind him was a sketch of a baby with big blue eyes. My dad's friend asked,
"Do you know who that is?"
"No"
"That's you."

What if I don't want to start a new chapter?

"You are turning a new page!" "It's not goodbye, it's see you later!" 

Give me a break.

"It's a new chapter in your life!" 

Well shit, was the last 24 years one big run-on sentence? 

Blahbalhbala.

I want to be happy for all of my friends living in different states, taking different paths, but at the same time I am so incredibly selfish in the sense that I want them all surrounding me at all times. If I had the money, I would buy a Hilton and fly all my friends in for an extended stay. We would have dance studios, and film studios, art studios, etc. We would establish a creative powerhouse and rule the world. Ugh, but unfortunately I didn't win the lottery this week, or learn how to count cards for casinos--fuck me. 

Who you surround yourself with and where you are, are so so so important. It can ruin your life, or do the opposite--And my friends are the best, so I WANT YOU ALL HERE NOW.

I want to create. I want to improvise. I want to write sketches. Luke- I am serious about starting our political humor jazz band. I want to go to open mic nights. I want to inspire people, and pump out as much quality work as possible. I'm so thankful that two of my best friends are moving to this city with me, but I am so incredibly sad that I won't have access to the rest of my friends like I used to. Educational institutions are like prisons, but I have been so incredibly lucky to be trapped with some bad ass bitches. If you can survive theater politics together--you can probably breathe under water too.

I still haven't adjusted fully to this post-grad life. Sometimes it's awesome--I've accomplished a lot in the past couple of weeks (NOTE: I still have not paid my overdue library fees, so I don't even have my diploma yet....ha....ha......ha but hey! Uf thinks I tried to get a minor in packaging science! WTF) but now I need to find a new "safe place" to create work, and it's a bit overwhelming. Everything is overwhelming.

The thought of my friends going off and getting married and starting families is overwhelming. It's a beautiful thought, but in the back of my mind I'm thinking WHEN WILL WE HANG OUT.

Damnit. Maybe I just need to chill the hell out. Maybe I feel this way because I'm an only chid, or maybe you all should move to Chicago. I hear tickets are cheap in August.

I'll meet you at the airport.

My first week in Chicago: A Fresh Start

You know how some people naturally have a resting bitch face? I'm not sure if I was one of those people, but since I've been here I can't stop smiling. Graduating UF, leaving Florida, and moving here was exactly what I needed. I can't count the number of times I felt like dying last semester--It was stressful, and horrible, and purely shitty. A few days after walking the stage I was like "Wow. I like living again!" And being unemployed for a few days was actually pretty awesome. I had the freedom to explore. I spent the free-time reevaluating the last couple of years in my life, and I had an honest discussion with myself about what I wanted and needed to change.

I have worked extremely hard over the past two years to improve my health. I gave up processed and refined sugars/foods, I gave up all grains, I started walking more, and I made an effort to be healthy. I've lost a lot of weight, and it took me a really really REALLY long to realize that the number on a scale doesn't define who am I, and I don't have to let it cripple my being.

I've practiced Alexander Technique, I started taking Rolfing sessions, and I began subscribing to health blogs and videos, I started watching inspiring TED talks...and most importantly I am now using this move, this huge transition in my life to start fresh, to continue improving my life, my health, my being.

I had a really great conversation recently with my friend Lauren about Fear. Fear stops us from trying new things, from traveling, from exploring, from learning a new skill set, from..YOU GET THE POINT. And why? Why is it that we care so entirely much about something we haven't even explored. You know why? Because we are mean to ourselves and automatically assume that the result is going to be poor. Well hey, STOP THAT. Being inactive will kill you.

Failing is great. It brings you a step closer to not failing, or at least being able to enjoy it. It should motivate you, not defeat you. Blah blah blah.

I recently found this post on Humans of New York, that I think about everyday. It's important. Say it out loud a few times.

This is very true. Maybe you aren't trying something new because you are reminded of past rejection. Well you know what? WHATEVER. That was in the past, and this is NOW. Of course some days will suck ass, but then some won't. I can feel myself working more toward a "I don't give a fuck" attitude everyday, and this is something I couldn't even have dreamed of two years ago. I was a mousey, insecure, hunched-over mess. I'm still a mess, but at least my spine is straight now damnit! Thanks AT!!

Anyway, I have had a very productive week in this city, and it's all because I worked my ass off. Two weeks before getting here I obsessively read EVERYTHING on the business insider. I made my resume look badass. I spent days on it, refining it, and realizing "Hey, I've done some cool shit, and I should totally brag about it, because why not?" I tried to make myself stand out, I spent time on my cover letters, I personalized each of them, I did my research and you know what? I got all three of the jobs I applied for. (Gosh I sound cocky. Not intended. *Fist Pump*)

I have learned to motivate myself. Before each and every interview I ran around the house yelling, and I'm not kidding, "YOU ARE AWESOME. YOU GOT THIS. LALALALALAL"(sometimes the "lalala"'s would be "ahhhhhhh"'s but you get it.  Yeah I looked like a fool, but I made myself laugh, reminded myself to chill out, and it worked. Stop taking yourself so seriously. I'm 24, but whatever, the 5 year-old part of me is allowed to come out.

I also started a 30 day Bikram yoga challenge (I'm sure you are all aware via my annoying FB posts--whatever I do it to keep myself accountable.) I love it. I made it through my first week. I am already way more flexible, way more aware of my own body, and leave feeling mentally and physically drained in the best of ways.

I'm excited. I've accomplished a lot, and now that the stress of school is gone, I think that my drive to succeed is going to amplify itself. You have to go after what you want, and you have to put aside the fear. You have to find ways to motivate yourself. Literally EVERYTHING you could ever want to know, or learn how to do is online--start using technology to inspire you rather than waste time.

I really believe that human beings are amazing and capable of anything we set our minds too, it just takes a hell of a lot of work, positivity, organization, and---oh, remember not to be a dick.

I'm Thankful.

Alberto recently wrote about Family. His post has inspired mine.

As I approach the end of my Institutionalized education, I am terrified of the future, but I am also thankful for everyone I have crossed paths with, and I am beyond excited to move into the next stage of my life with two of my best friends, to a city that 150% supports everything I love and want to do.

College has been anything but easy. I remember getting into UF, I also remember getting rejected shortly after. I auditioned as a trombone performance major, got accepted, received close to a full ride, was ready to move back to Florida, and a month later I got a rejection letter into the University itself. What the hell? That can happen? Yes.

My grades were great in high school but I’m a terrible standardized test taker. You’d think coming from a state that does nothing but teach you how to take a test....Anyway,  I never took the SAT, and I miserably took the ACT four times. 

I wrote a really shitty appeal letter (Which is terribly embarrassing to read now. It will probably do some good in a standup routine) and was told that the school received 20,000 appeals, and I had no hope. My mom made me audition at FSU which was a total abortion, and I just decided that somehow I would get into this damn school.

Eventually the head of the music department walked my appeal over, my trombone professor fought for me, and I got in under the condition that I would take elementary English (AKA learning how to write a sentence) and elementary math (AKA graph making! Look mom I’m a big kid now!)

Being a music major was serious shit. I miss it because I have never experienced that type of discipline in any of the other majors I explored. Every move needed to be planned and scheduled or you were doomed to fail or jump off a cliff. Living, breathing, and studying your craft was the daily motto. The thought of “IS THIS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO DO,” came up at least a few times a week.

I clearly remember my music theory two course, we had a temporary professor that semester and he was a genius. Pure genius. He pushed us more than ever. We were lost the majority of the term. No one got an A that semester, and I remember telling him that he made me cry more than anyone, but I loved him for it. I fought hard for a “C” in that course. I remember him saying if I resubmitted three assignments PERFECTLY he would pass me. You bet your ass I stayed up for 18 hours making sure that shit was perfect. I showed up the next morning looking like a homeless person, turned my paper in, and crashed on the couch in the music hall. I was dedicated. I often wonder why I changed my major, sometimes thinking it was a mistake,but without that change I wouldn't have the amazing group of friends that I have now, or the survival skills developed along the way.

Anyone that knows me, knows that I don’t have a good relationship with my mother. I left summer of 8^th grade to live with my aunt in Maryland. I hated Florida, I was fat and unhappy, and my moms boyfriend got coked out and tried to attack me one night. Most of my friends were doing hard drugs (yes in middle school) and I really needed a change. I even remember going to a party once, and the kids told me I was “emo” because I didn't want to drink or smoke CRACK with them.

Maryland was a nice change. Crack free. It was challenging going from a very low rated education system to a much much better one, but I was instantly welcomed into the music community and felt at home. 

I think I ultimately left the music world due to stress. Living with my mother in college was awful. I had the constant pressure of finding a job, or three, eating off of less than 15$ a week, practicing my instrument 6+ hours a day in addition to taking 8-9 classes, it was just too much. I did everything I could to get out of the house—I became obsessed with working out, and got pretty skinny, but didn’t see it at the time and ended up abusing my body. My form of “dieting” was eating cabbage soup, or taking diet pills or worse. It was a bad environment, and I decided to leave. I showed up with three friends and moved my entire life out of her house in less than an hour.

I met Eric during all of this madness. We met on our birthday (twinzies) because our mutual friends took us to the same hookah café that night. He could have sworn that we would never see eachother again, but being the fruitfly I was becoming…that wasn't an option. He was understanding, and dealt with the crazy that was rubbing off on me, and most importantly smacked me back into reality. He was one of the first friends I ever had that said “Sacha, you are being a bitch and can’t treat people like you have been.” The stress literally transformed my personality and I was turning into someone that I wasn’t, someone I never ever wanted to be. He helped me find who I really was again, and I will never forget that.

I moved in with him, without meeting his roommate Alberto, or Alberto’s parents, but as soon as I met them I fell in love. Alberto really brought a warm happiness to my life, introduced me to his wonderful friends, and his family was the long lost puerto rican family I never knew I needed in my life. He always tells me that I bring out the crazy in him. I would agree. I mean we did in fact dance with pillows to Frank Sinatra one night. We would have long conversations about the friendzone, life, the universe. We would watch movies and cry together because some movies "I just couldn't watch alone." 

Who you surround yourself with is extremely important to your well being. I couldn't of asked for better roommates. We are all three completely different people, but really completed eachother. Then of course there was Christa. She has been my everything this year. I think this has been the hardest semester of my life and she has always been there to help me clean up the mess I make of myself. I don't know what I would do without her or my current support system. 

Writing all of this has made me realize how much I have been through in college. I fought my way into this school, and will somehow work my way out. 

I have successfully dropped too many classes, fought with financial aid on a semesterly basis getting my way, recognized when things were toxic in my life and when I needed to escape, switched into the theater department and developed a wonderful bullshit detector and have learned how to treat people with respect--because if you can't even do that--you are going nowhere. Learned that not everyone will like you and that is okay. Learned that you do not have to like everyone, and that is also okay. 

I have learned that it is okay to ask for help, because you can't do everything on your own.  I have also learned not to rely on the kindness of other people--because what a stupid thing to do.

I have successfully started my own comedy show, and have SOMEHOW kept it alive, I have overcome a lot of self-hate, have gotten much better at improvisation--something I used to be absolutely horrendous at. I have slowly fixed my posture, have become more aware of my body and habits, have safely and successfully lost about 40 pounds, performed as much as possible, directed twice.

I have traveled the world. I taught in Italy two years in a row, went on a peace and love tour around Norway, met my father's best friend in Russia, experienced unbelievable theater in London and Berlin, watched the World-Cup in Amsterdam, volunteered on a healing garden in Denmark, and have met and kept in touch with some of the most amazing, open-minded individuals in the world. The 50,000 I have in debt doesn't seen that bad anymore, because school has given me these opportunities, that I would not have otherwise.  Most importantly, I think I am beginning to understand the difference between Pride and Egotism. I used to think it would be wrong of me to happy about everything I have done here, but I should be impressed and happy dammit! I still have a long way to go, but I am headed in the right direction. 

Candice, Ryan, Marissa, Lauren, Katie, Mike, Charlie, Amelia, Megan, Luke, Fernando, Eric, Alberto Christa...I don't know where I would be without you, or your words of encouragement. Probably not here, probably not in a good place--I am so incredibly lucky to have you all in my life. You are my family. 

I am incredibly grateful to be where I am. It's been such a life lesson, and challenge to have to support yourself fully through college. There was a point where I had three jobs, or had to donate plasma to get by. It has never been easy, and might not ever be easy. What is easy, is to take the time to stop,breathe, and be thankful for all of the amazing friends in your life.

I graduate in less than a month

I can't say that this semester has been easy. I think I probably lost my mind more than once, and I apologize to all of those witnessing it, but I am thankful for you as well :) I don't know how I've made it this far--I've been way too much of a "Yes" man recently, and my plate is overflowing, but somehow I am making it through and happily creating some type of art. My last comedy show (in Gainesville) is coming up soon and I am both terrified and extremely excited. I have had writers block (that's a nicer way of saying trust issues with my creativity) for at least 6 months and consistently convinced myself that I couldn't write anything. You know, that "every idea is shit," phase. I guess I have a habit of putting myself down, however, I have busted out a few ideas/pieces that I am pretty happy with. I think it will be bittersweet to end my final semester with my best friends attempting to make people laugh. When I think back to our first show--it was a disaster behind the scenes. We were editing last minute. I didn't know what I was doing, (Do I even know now?) we never ran the show until opening night, and I swore that I would never do it again because I shaved about 6 years off my life from stress. Four shows later, we are still going strong. I'm starting to think that whatever you enjoy doing the most in life, as much as it might stress you out, and as much as you might beat yourself up over it, it's probably worth doing. Comedy has always been that thing for me. It's what keeps me going, and is probably what keeps me alive. 

I'm 24 and still a little girl

I thought it would get easier telling people you liked them as you get older--but it's quite the opposite. When you are younger you display affection by pushing boys off of swings, or yelling "I LOVE YOU," and running away. It used to be so simple! The biggest commitment you wanted was a valentine card, or getting chased occasionally on the playground. And then as you get older the fear of rejection lingers. I'm thinking to myself I'm 24 years old, and I feel like if I tell this person how I feel, the world will end. Right here and now. You know how in the old Zelda games, fire consumes the planet? Yeah? That's how I feel in this moment--I WOULD RATHER get engulfed in flames than talk about this. 

Oh god, oh god, oh god. Can I be 5 again? But I can't be five again. Is it weird that I'm listening to Chet Baker right now? Dramatic. Hey--I have to make myself laugh while I'm being a baby. Right?  

And isn't attraction odd? For me  humor just does it--if you make me laugh, I'm sold. I think it's one of the most important qualities in a person. It makes me feel like I've met one of several comedy soul mates--but sometimes they don't want to join you for the ride. It's like you're laughing at two different jokes, and when you realize it, it's awkward. 

Why do people have to date anyway? Couldn't we just live in world where everyone is in the friend-zone ? No one would be disappointed then. We would just nod at each other and say "Oh well." Actually--maybe everyone would jut be extremely sexually frustrated--you know scratch that--that kind of shit leads to war. 

Well the good news is---I'm not 5 again like I wished, that would be exhausting--I don't want to relive the last 19 years, and the world didn't engulf in flames. There's always something to be happy about. Sometimes you have to experience the fall. 

Who creates the rules on test taking? Why do we only have an hour to showcase what we have learned over a six week period. How does that make sense? I worked my ass off all weekend for my exam tonight--and I barely pulled through. Sigh. It's one of those "I feel like I'm never going to graduate and should find the nearest bridge" moments. Could my semester get any more stressful? Still broke. Still no financial aid. Broken phone. Ridiculous amounts of tension. Yikes.  

2014

Oh hey blog it's been awhile. So I am actually really excited for the new year. This year I am graduating, might be working in France for a month teaching kids, hopefully returning to Denmark for some pre-chicago inspiration, MOVING TO CHICAGO to pursue comedy--my childhood dream and love, putting on the final Funny Woman Show back at the Brew Spot, and of course getting rock hard abs like everyone and their mothers. But really--I do have some very realistic goals for the new year and I know that they will come true--and hey if they don't, at least I worked my ass off. 

Health Goals

* Commit more to the primal/paleo lifestyle--changing my diet has really changed my life this year and I would like to fully transition and commit 100%.
* Walk More
* Yoga More 
* Be happy

Educational Goals 

* Go to class. Everyday. Read. Finish assignments early. GRADUATE

Chicago Goals 

*Move to Chicago 

*Volunteer at Second City 

*Audition for the Second City Conservatory Program 

*Perform some open mic improv shows

*Try stand-up 

*Find a job or a sugar daddy to support me

*Find a safe and convenient place to live

I can't wait for the semester to begin. Two days left! I'm excited to improvise again and begin rehearsals for Angels in America! This semester is going to fly.

I can appreciate a man that goes out of his way to jazz up his online dating profile. I mean don't get me wrong, anything is better than the "hey girl look how big dis fish I caught is ; ) ;) ;)" picture, but sometimes guys can seem too perfect.  Any guy that has a picture cuddling a baby tiger and/or petting
horses is a winner. He might as well have a picture feeding the hungry, or putting out a fire with a garden hose with a caption of "He does what he can," or stopping someone from tripping the Pope. Dear Guy, do you exist? I'm just going to go back to waiting for my hot Chicago improviser boyfriend**


*accepting applications 
*side note: anchorman 2 was fantastic.

Seminar

What I had to say to you, moreover, would not take long, to wit: Practice any art, music, singing, dancing, acting, drawing, painting, sculpting, poetry, fiction, essays, reportage, no matter how well or badly, not to get money and fame, but to experience BECOMING, to find out what’s inside you, to MAKE YOUR SOUL GROW.

-Kurt vonnegut

You know--one amazingly terrifying realization I have made from working on Seminar is how much of a scaredy cat I can be. I am terrified 90% of the time of sharing certain ideas, sketch work, new songs--pretty much anything personal that I keep close to my heart. I ADMITTED IT OK?  And why? Why is it human instinct to hold onto our creations until our fingerprints are burned there, and then let days--weeks--months--years go by before showing them to anyone. If we even man up to do so. It doesn't make sense. This is the time to be failing, and it's only then that we learn and better prepare ourselves for all types of criticism. Putting yourself out there is nerve wracking, but it's also the right thing to do, especially in a University setting where people care about you, or at least are great pretenders.

My show opens on Friday, and I'm still trying to figure out where the last four and a half weeks went. I am really excited. I couldn't be more happy with my cast--they are all really wonderful people, great players, and have a group dynamic that I think is difficult to find. Maybe I'm just being biased, or stroking my ego boner right now--but really. I have never once stopped believing in them or their work. Even when lines are forgotten, and moments are lost, and no one is listening--it's part of the process, and it amazes me every time what being present and just listening to words does.

The show questions what is at the core of the creator. What keeps an artist passionate, and when shit couldn't possibly get any worse, how do force yourself to keep going rather than give up. It's a place we have all fallen into, or are currently trapped in--and I think everyone can relate to the struggles of an artist.

It's kind of a perfect idea to explore right before graduating, because soon enough I'm not going to have quiet as large of a support system I sometimes forget that I have right now. We have access to so many wonderful resources whether a professors opinion, a free rehearsal space, thousands of books and free articles, access to people that will work on projects for free, computer labs, filming equipment, etc.

A few years/months/days ago I was complaining about what I have not learned at this University, and what I feel that I have missed out on, but honestly? You have to create your own work. You have to read books. You have to admit that you do not know everything, you will never know everything and sometimes you just need some god damn help. So ask for it. It won't kill you. Sometimes you have put down your cell phone and BE with people. Sometimes you have to be that person in class that raises their hand, while everyone else is too afraid to. Sometimes you need to scream at the top of your lungs and get all the negativity out. Sometimes you have to LISTEN to people. FEEL for people.

Just. Be. Present.

It's one of the most beautiful things you can do.

What my vending machine would look like

Vending machines piss me off--and I would like to redesign them. I wrote an email to someone at work a few weeks ago, providing several options that we could replace the un-purchased candy with in our department. Here is what I came up with.

Kind Bars

These are freaking delicious, and I love that their motto is "ingredients you can pronounce." You should know what you are putting into your body. I love these because most of them are 99% Paleo and they don't destroy my stomach or hurt my teeth like the fake sugary chemical ones do. 

Roasted Seaweed

Okay, so once you get over that seaweed looks like thin pieces of paper--these aren't bad. The only downside is that there is no pretty way to eat them. Trust me, I have tried. I prefer fresh seaweed salad, but this is cheaper and will do. The only ingredients are seaweed and salt. Win. 

Unsalted Almonds

Almonds are naturally sweet and are full of wonderful antioxidants that show love to your heart and cholesterol  I prefer almonds over those mixed nut packs that often contain candy, extra sugar and MSG. Just be simple. Okay?

Veggie Chips 

Vegetable chips! These are great, TraderJoes has a brand "Vegetable Root Chips," and Terra makes them as well. No chemicals. Gluten free. Tasty. No grease. Yum

Instant Soup

Dr. McDouglas soup is a much better alternative to Ramen noodles. These are a little more expensive than the $0.17 you are used to, but they are better for the body and there are gluten free and paleo options. Ramen is also high in fat,  packed with crazy amounts of sodium, as well as MSG. It's also pretty sad when you check out the nutritional information--first of all who eats half a pack of Ramen? No one. Well, a pack is 380 calories and 126 of those are from fat and white flour. Yay America.  

Apple Chips 

I'm all about these right now. These are a perfect fall snack, and a really great option for kids. You can even make them at home in yo' oven. Here's a recipe, she adds sugar and cinnamon, but you can do what you want.   Listed ingredients: apples. Keep it simple! 

Peter Rabbit Fruit Drink

Let's all be 5 again, but this time grab a healthy version of Capri Sun. This is a great grab and go drink, and helps knock out lurking hunger strikes. And the packaging is cute. Be a cool kid again. 

Dark Chocolate

If I were to add one sweet, it would be pure dark chocolate. First of all, it's hard to eat an entire bar of dark chocolate in  one sitting (and that isn't the point right?) it can be saved and enjoyed. 

I have a few more options bouncing around in my mind, but for now, these were the best. Maybe I have inspired you, maybe not--but do you really need those cheetos? I mean damn. 

Just take another look at this. Ew. 

An office job--is very much like The Office

I never pictured myself working in an office, but honestly, I AM SO HAPPY TO NOT WORK IN THE FOOD INDUSTRY ANYMORE. I used to work on campus--making salads--and feeding my friends. I did it for two years, and after I finally got a very needed raise--I quit. Can someone say dramatic?

I walked past the place the other day--same staff--same miserable look--same salady smell.

I just couldn't do it anymore. Even one hour of salad making felt like I was on a long journey to hell. My shifts were never more than four hours, but it sure did feel like eternity. The company on campus is extremely unorganized, we apparently hire racists and slackers (One time a girl I worked with called a Chinese man "Ching Ching" and asked what he wanted. She called all white men Charles--and she would also take 45 minute bathroom breaks as soon as I arrived. She still works there. This is year three. Go Merika!), and my boss always called me by a different name. Plain and simple. It just sucked.

And now I am working for a super awesome company that helps save lives. Everyone I work with is really friendly, and the company treats everyone with the same amount of respect. I have awesome hours, the work isn't difficult, I even show up 15 minutes early and clock in 7 miles a day on my bike. How adult like.

Working in an office is a bit bizarre though. I guess I now understand office humor. But seriously, don't let your kids work in the food industry. Unless you hate them. Then by all means.

Seriously, don't buy an iPad--go to Europe

First of all--I just discovered this band and really dig them.

Anyway..moving on...

It's been about a month since I've returned to America. I MISS YOU EUROPE! Why was I not born in a Scandinavian country? WHY? Maybe in my next life. Hopefully.

The end of my European adventure was spent with Anum. I messaged her earlier this year and said, "Hey wanna go farming with me in August?" Luckily she said yes-- probably after a mental What The Fuck? And that was that. 

I looked into an organisation called WWOOF and found two farms in Denmark that sparked interest. We decided to spend a few nights in Copenhagen before farming our asses off. Copenhagen was great--we took our time walking around meaning getting lost too often, hanging out in the Botanical gardens, seeing friends and making new ones, and of course finding our equally shared soul-mate Paul. 

Oh Paul. Paul was a cute little book cafe we were introduced to. EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT.  We ate there at least twice a day--and felt bad eating elsewhere Oh and we actually ate at a restaurant across from Paul, and the food was terrible  While I left to puke--my friend told the waitress that we weren't feeling well and she said "Oh yeah it's probably the cheese. It happens" WHAT REALLY? WE WILL NEVER DITCH YOU AGAIN PAUL! <3<3<3

Anyway, we then ran into some bad luck on our way to the first farm. We drank a bit too much the night before and decided to take a later train. Then we missed it. And the next one. And finally when the third train came it was right in front of us and we just...didn't get on. Once we realized that our train was zooming away, I looked at Anum and said "Fuck it, we aren't going." We decided 3 missed trains, and a help desk that opens RIGHT AFTER the train leaves = BAD OMEN. It's a funny situation to look back on but at the time I'm pretty sure we both wouldn't have minded going through a pack of cigarettes, killing each other, and tossing our luggage into a river. Poor Anum and her 900 kg suitcase. She packed more for two weeks than I packed for three months. 

Heading to the Healing Garden early was the best decision. Two train rides, a bus, and a ferry ride later we arrived on a small island called Fejo. The trip was just what we needed. She had the year from hell, and I had a really really rough time in Italy. It was really nice to be in a place where my only worry was "What am I cooking for dinner?" The island was very small. Everyone greets you --the weather was fantastic--pickable fruit all over the island--one pub with an owner that gave us free shots--bike rides--herb picking--lots of tea--good vegetarian food--making more jam than I probably ever will in a life time--homemade nutella--meditation--healing--new friends--dream-catchers--singing and dancing in the mornings--dressing up like a fairy and running down a hill--talks on fear and spirituality--Danish films--Goat cheese--so much goat cheese--did I mention goat cheese?--candle lit cabin--scary spiders--scary cats--fresh seaweed--crazy dancing--washing dishes with 3 people at once--and so much more.

I miss it so much. My heart craves the people and relationships I made this summer. I know that I am broke--and can barely afford my bills right now--but the experiences were completely worth it. I don't mind eating eggs for a few weeks. Seriously--don't buy an Ipad--go to Europe.

The garden really was paradise. I can't stop thinking about it, and I'm applying what I learned in such a short time to my life as a whole. I learned how to really listen to people--I became completely aware of my fears and what I need to work on, I realized it's okay feel a certain way--if you want to be pissed/angry/sad/happy You CAN and SHOULD allow yourself to be--it's fine--seriously--don't keep that shit inside--and most importantly I realized that I want to use what I have learned to further my learning (weird sentence--fuck it) and help others change their lives from it.

It is so so so so important to know some gardening basics. You can make medicine! In your back yard! That works! Seriously--the earth provides us with so much, and if just go back and re-learn the basics we will be okay. For the most part. 

The Love and Peace Caravan

That one time I decided to go to Norway with a Love and Peace caravan. Yeah that happened. AND IT ROCKED.

One flight and a four hour bus ride later, I was greeted by a really kind woman--who not only three weeks ago, I told I HAD to meet.

There was something about her couch-surfing profile that was intriguing, and odd, and so much fun. Originally I contacted her just to have me sleep on her couch, and instead I was invited on a road trip with the love and peace caravan. I accepted, and I am so happy I did.

It all began in a small room of a hotel. 12 of us sat there (two from Belgium, one from Portland, and the rest from Norway) slightly in awkward silence--taking much longer sips of coffee than needed, and then Lil said, "I'm doing this because I believe in peace, and I think people are too afraid of eachother." Her words were completely genuine--and very true. I knew this is where I needed to be-- and as crazy as this trip seemed--I felt incredibly safe. We basically were told that together we create the itenerary--we had set end points but how we got there was up to us. So we settled in four cars and our journey began.

Norway is breathtakingly beautiful. I can't recall a time in my life that I have ever felt THAT peaceful.

Even my long bus ride was a dream. The water--the mountains--the nature--was absolutely perfect and so so very relaxing. I quickly loved the concept of the road trip. We were constantly switching cars so we were able to get to know each other. Our first destination was only 30 minutes away but we took about 5 hours to get there. I'm really glad I said yes to this trip--if I would have gone to Norway on my own--I never would have seen what I saw--and now I have 11 new friends that I can visit :)

That's another thing--I really loved these people. Their humor and sarcasm was right up my alley. Everyone (for the most part) had a smile on their face, and were so so generous. I didn't have a sleeping bag---then I did. I didn't have a towel--then I did.

**Let me just take a moment to slightly complain even though I planned not too BUT older people from Portland are effin' IDENTICAL to Portlandia and not in a good way. In a---"OhMyGod......What....Why......" But really. If you want more on this, ask me in person--I shouldn't really shit talk people online. BUT PORTLANDIA IS REAL LIFE.****

ANYWAY

I learned a ton about the people of Norway, the government, the lifestyle, opinions on America--it was really nice to hear new perspectives. It's more information than a book could have told me in my limited amount of time there.

We also had some funny things happen because of Lil's car. It is a crowd pleaser. We were parked on a mountain and a bus of people from Korea got off--she told them to come over--and next thing you know we are showered with pictures with all the Asians. It was great. Later on at a camping site--this Korean woman did a small dance for us and offered us some Jesus bookmarks that she had made.

Interesting things happen in Norway. Haha.

The trip was too short. I was only able to stay for half of it--and I really feel the need to go back. I was invited to a snow cave in the winter--WHAT? Maybe I'll go. I learned a lot in those two days. The biggest thing was to treat people with kindness, and to meet as many people as possible. We really are too afraid of people. Next time someone makes eye contact, say hello. You never know who they could be, or what they have to say.

Lil also gave me confidence in my art. After I told her what I was doing with my life she said "And you are only 23? I'm impressed." Everyone I seem to meet this summer has told me they believe I will make it--and that I will get to where I want to be. It's really refreshing and a really nice confidence boost. I believe that I work really hard--and I hope in ten years it will be a blast to laugh about all the shit and difficulties I had to work through. After all...all you can do is laugh.

This is probably one of my favorite pictures ever. My new friends peacing me off. :)

So--if you've never been to Norway, you must go. It's one of the most peaceful places I have ever been--and we could all use a bit more of that right?

Ciao Italy!

What. The. Hell.
Where did the last nine weeks go, and how did they go by so quickly?
I'm currently laying in my Rome hostel after a long day of travel. YOU CAN NEVER TRUST AN ITALIAN TRAIN...but more on this later.

I have learned so much in the past nine weeks--most importantly, the importance (what) of keeping a daily journal. THANK YOU KATHY. Change and awareness can most definitely occur in a short amount of time.  I have learned that people you barely know can treat you with the most kindness THERE IS HOPE WORLD...whether it's a night shirt when you have lost all of your clothing (Thank you Meg :) ) or a pair of sandals when you haven't got a pair (Thank you Mary,) or a tube of toothpaste when you have run out (Thank you Lisa :D ) orrrr a place to stay and good company (Melanie, and Zack) or a free haircut...gosh there are so many thanks to be given.

I learned that I do in fact have the ability to be a good teacher--I just need to stop doubting myself, and realize that this is one big process. I can't know everything, and some days...just...suck. (Most of this realization came from Sophie. Because well, she is awesome--and helped me destroy most of my negativity)

I have also learned that even in Italy you can have shit days, despite the typical "LIKEomGzzzz you are in Italy, stop complaining!!!" This is bullshit. Things can suck anywhere, BUT it is important to remember that the cure can be as simple as a sunset, or a mountain. You can choose to change your outlook.

I've learned to enjoy taking my time--something I don't think happens very often in America. No wonder everyone is getting fat. Whether peeling a peach with a knife (and failing about 30 times,) or handwashing all my clothing, or simply breathing in my surrounds...like I said earlier...you don't have to go to Chine to see the sky...

I have also realized that I am so ready for LA. My host mom confirmed this as well. It's funny to look back at one of my first posts of the summer where I am clearly LOOSING MY MIND about the future. I was considering going to Thailand. What? Me? No. There is still time to see the world, and I have seen more than I ever thought I'd be able to. It's time to finally, and seriously pursue what I know I love. This comedy bullshit ;) with my best friend. I'm thinking of it like an Italian train, if you miss it (and you will,) figure out your next move, and get to where you need to be. 

So, tomorrow I head to Copenhagen for a few days, then a very random, and hopefully awesome Hippie Adventure with 15 people I don't know, that may or may not kidnap me and make me live with elves in the Norwegian mountains. I'm ready for life, and actually very excited about this trip. I decided to say HELL YES to the opportunity, because when else will I be able to camp on the tallest peak in Norway? Hmm? HMM? Call me crazy, and I am--but this is so happening. 

I would like to do a short summer recap, followed by some Italian tips:

Things I am thankful for:

My first gelato of the summer, with my new friend Meg :)

Sicily 

Meg

Cheese. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CHEESE.

Sophie. I owe you so much, you don't even know. The laughs, the realness--I love you. 

That one time I learned an Italian dance. 

* Everyone I worked with during the first week of camp

* Singing "Hit me baby one more time," for a ton of Italian's. What?

* The insanely loud toilet. I still miss it

* A really long and awkward attempt at ordering a white russian

* GLUTEN FREE PIZZA

* MELENZANE mmm.....

* Free gelato, and sweets, and almond milk

* Cheap fruit. Cheap Cheese. Cheap coffee. 

* Tequilla boom boom 

* The girls from sardinia

* Lion King dating show, Pirate show, Peterpan show

* Salerno shopping sales

* The kid that wrote me a love letter

* Food in Sicily. GRANITAS IN SICILY, really, ANYTHING in Sicily

* Sabaudia--the sea, the hills, the mojito parties

* My host dads brother that tried to hook me up with the chef "He is an artist--of the chicken"

* SO MUCH MORE

And Now for some tips, based on my travels these past couple of weeks:

 1. Please learn the basics. Don't be caught saying "Dove Banjo" see below

 

                                                      

2. You will stick out as an American, so PLEASE DO NOT MAKE IT WORSE by wearing your 

red/white/blue walmart eagle shirt. Or your "I HEART ROME," sweatshirt, IN ROME.

3. Coffee is fantastic, and so is Gelato--but for the love of god, if you are in a touristy area, GET IT TO GO.

4. Italian's currently have a very strange addiction to tacky neon clothing. 

5. If you are in a place that serves fresh almond milk ORDER IT PRONTO

6. There is NO NEED to worry about your body image while at the beach. Seriously. You will see a whole lot more than you have ever wanted to see. 

7. Don't confuse pazzo and cazzo. One is crazy. One is dick. I'll let you figure it out. 

8. Please don't complain about the lack of Chinese restaurants. AND PLEASE DO NOT GO TO McDONLANDS! YOU ARE IN ITALY. EAT ITALIAN FOOD. 

9. Be careful...15 yearolds will mistakenly look like 20something yearolds. 

10. When people say they are "engaged" it doesn't mean he put a ring on it. "I'm single in the summer," is a commonly followed phrase. 

11. Your train will be late. 

12. If you order a mixed drink, I advise packing a container of juice in your bag. The drinks here are way too strong and pretty gross in result.....stick with vino. 

12. Learn to take your time :) Enjoy every moment--it will help you at some point in your life. 

And now...I'm going to enjoy my final gelato. And probably eat a block of cheese. 

Ciao!

Updates Week 7 in Italy

Soooo, these past couple of weeks have been pretty difficult. Post Nazi camp--I went to another two person camp--Meg and I weren't happy because we hate small camps, and we wanted to talk to people other than each other. So we get to camp, right, and we only have 12 kids--3 of them decided to bail and because of said bail, we find out that one of us has to leave. THE NEXT DAY. We worked together for four weeks, and in the morning one had to go. Running a camp alone is not normal--and usually in this situation the camp would shut down, but that wasn't the case. I decided to stay--and let Meg leave so she could work with other people before leaving Italy. It was difficult---very difficult. The English level, and age among the children ranged from 7 to 12, so teaching lessons was almost impossible. I had to get very creative, and I was really exhausted. Fortunately, the camp director was fantastic, the children were wonderful, and a friend of mine came in to help me a few times. The camp was supposed to last two weeks, but after being shoved around, and poorly communicated with--I found out that I'd be heading to a new camp a few days later. I was never able to say goodbye to those kids--but I did write them a pretty cool script about Super Hero School, and cat woman turning them all into cats, out of superpower jealousy. So take that!

I'm really enjoying my current camp. I'm physically exhausted but my lessons have been running smoothly, and I think this week, I've realized that I am a good tutor. My kids really like me, and I've created some pretty cool projects for them. I also went into this week with no fear--I told myself that everything would be fine, and so far it has been. I love, love, love my host family--especially my host mother. I think I have learned the most Italian this week, and we often sit around the dictionary looking up words. I love it. I also love the slow pace of Italy. Peeling fruit with a knife. Hanging clothes to dry all day. Using a fucking dictionary instead of a smartphone. It's really great for my soul, and my mind. It's helping me realize what really matters--and how much day to day bullshit I can avoid. I've also realized--if I give myself some alone time with a pen and paper I can think creatively, and I can write some pretty funny shit. This will be useful while I'm having my semesterly freakout over my comedy show.

Updates: The end of the last camp was pretty great. My kids killed it. They were all pretty incredible actors and had people laughing. I wrote a show about pirates being trapped in mermaid prison. The camp also cheered for me for whatever reason--and I did the Banana song in front of 60 parents. Life can be hard guys.

It was soooo difficult saying goodbye to my host family. They were one of the bests I've had this summer. I got really close with the mother, and I think learned the most Italian with this family. Communication is so amazing, and I am really inspired to continue my studies of the language. 

Can I just take a moment to say

That this is bullshit?

What deodorant lasts for 48 hours? Maybe it's true if you're laying in bed for 2 days in 65 degree weather. 

Just no. I call false advertising. 

Traveling Part 2--One of my student's is a Nazi

I miss Sicily, this whole stay-somewhere-for-a-week-then-leave-thing is difficult. I thought this year would be easier, but somehow I think it's the opposite. So...here it is. This is my public apology to any, and every teacher I was ever a shithead to. Teaching is difficult, and when you are giving it your all, and receiving little to no response--it sucks. Add texting, and talking to friends into the equation, and you really realize just how rude and disrespectful it is. Our culture is not full of multitaskers, it is full of half-assers. It's pretty impossible to listen fully to someone speak, and text at the same time. Maybe you'd like to think you are a master at this, but in reality...really? 

I just completed my third week of camp, and it went pretty well. My host family is wonderful, and once again I am living with Meg haha. We have our own little apartment in the attic  It's really nice, but I think half of it was designed for dwarfs. Our shower/bath situation is kind of funny. I think I have become a master of showering sitting down. The ceiling is too low to stand (Poor Meg. She's like 6 feet tall)--but it's okay. I have a new unique skill ;) This is the view from our flat:

We have a host sister, who upon greeting us could not stop jumping up and down. She communicates through hugs and jumps. It's cute. We also have a little host brother named Constantino. Our host dad owns a plant factory which is attached to the back of their house, and it is amazing. It's nice to be surrounded by so much green.

I decided to take the older group of kids this week, and so far they are pretty cool. Their English is great, and because of this, I've really struggled with my lesson plans. The most beneficial activity for them is to just... well, sit around and talk. They dread book work--they dread writing--I even tried to modify a few drinking games for them, but they bombed.

There is one kid that we call superbad, because he looks JUST LIKE McLovin. Then there is Ciro, who is obsessed with saying BANANA! Oh and we must not forget....The Nazi. 

I have a student who has a notebook covered in swastikas. It wasn't pointed out to me until the 2nd or 3rd day of camp, but yep...there it is. I thought maybe it was just an innocent sketch--but I finally confronted her about it. "What is that?" "Uhh...nothing. Nothing" "It's a swasticka" "Yes I know" "Why do you have it everywhere?" "because I like it..and I think it is a very good thing." She also has drawings of semi-clothed anime girls holding eachother, with jars of nutella between their bodies. Some of the other drawings are pretty interesting as well. It's hard being 12.

She also thought my version of beer pong was boring. "Who's idea was this? Yours? It's boring." Thank you. I appreciate that. She then proceeded to find a razor cutter we use for cardstock, and wouldn't hand it to me. "I know it's dangerous," she said as she opened, and closed the blade. AHH GET ME OUT OF HERE. The camp director spoke with her, and she apologized, but that doesn't change the Nazi thing. We had carnival day on Friday, and during the face painting station, she asked for the German and Japanese flags to be painted on her face. Oh dear. 

Today I explored the Ruins of Pompeii with the other tutors. It was incredible. We went on a free two hour tour, and explored afterward. It's amazing to see what was able to survive after the eruption. Viewing the human casings was a bit intense, because of how clear their facial expressions, and body language was. So sad. It's kind of scary, that the most dangerous volcano in the world is essentially in my backyard. I'm so very thankful for this weekend. It's really the only small break I'll have had since arriving three weeks ago. The heat, and the children are wearing me out. I don't think it helps that my class is outside. 

I'm really struggling right now, and I'm hoping the weekend will help me clear my head.  My future is freaking me out. My next lesson plan is freaking me out. I miss home. It's weird, I never thought I would miss home this early on, but I do. I miss my bed, cat, and friends. I'm not alone right now--but I've been feeling alone. I don't feel myself. I feel boring--and uninteresting--On the other hand, I know that I am way too hard on myself. I also know that I am not a trained teacher. After emailing one of my favorite professors,she told me that teaching is learning--and you never stop learning. We probably learn the most from our failures so it's okay if things don't go to plan. I need to accept that sometimes I won't know what to do, sometimes my ideas won't work out, and sometimes they will. This is going to be one hell of a summer.